blame it on the weather

it was thanksgiving. i am thankful for a lot of things. but really... honestly... truly.... i haven't been feeling very thankful or very positive at all ever since.... i guess ever since school started. or maybe it was when we moved. i don't know.
i don't like 4th year. i'm in 3 classes right now, my palliative care class is good, mental health has the potential to be really interesting but instead is rather dull, and my communities class is agonizingly boring. i sit in class and by the end it's literally mentally agonizing for me to keep sitting there listening and doing everything in my power to not run out screaming or crying or something and unfortunately i have 3 hours of mental health AFTER this class. now that clinical has started, my life will be filled with more work and more stress, but that's okay. those 4 weeks without clinical were nice, but the days get really long when i'm home all day and then when R finally comes home, he goes into his study to do marking and prep for the next day. i miss him. it's not his fault and we knew it would be this way. we're working on it.

the weather has been cloudy and wet for days. i'm almost looking forward to winter when we have endless blue skies. i can't stand perpetual cloudiness and rainyness.

i'm fighting a cold. i've been fighting it since last week, some days it's there, some days it's not.

i stayed up late last night studying for my midterm today and also writing personal, professional and self-care goals for clinical. ugh. the only thing i hate more that making goals is self-evaluating them later.

it's funny. at school today i was talking with my friends and a bunch of them are feeling the exact same way. one girl said that she hates the way her life is right now. i couldn't disagree. i said that sometimes i wonder if it's even worth getting this stupid degree. maybe i should just drop out and have babies.

so that's me. that's what's going on in my little brain.

but i am thankful. i am thankful for the gorgeous colours outside. i am thankful for the combination of the smell of coffee and of chai tea that currently permeates our little home, for our very good friends in our Bible study who are coming over tomorrow, for that R likes his job, for the "A " i just got on the test i wrote last week, and that we have a cozy warm place to call our own. i am thankful for my fantastic husband who cares for me so patiently and lovingly even when - especially when - i'm cranky and not fun to be around. and i'm thankful for my God, that he is ever faithful, that no matter how down i am feeling, no matter how far i wander from his care, his loving arms are waiting there, wide open to take me back.

and just hold me.