Plan B

so.... i didn't get my first choice for my practicum on surgery/obstetrics. i'm going to be on the general medicine ward, with about 2 weeks of ER in there too. and i was starting to be okay with that.

but then yesterday i found out that the other girl who asked for it, got it. hmmmm. i thought that they weren't taking either of us. i'm not very impressed. "i want it more than she does!" i feel like shouting. "why did she get it! it's not fair!"

but i won't shout that because i was already starting to be okay with Plan B. and so now that she got it, suddenly i'm not okay with Plan B anymore?

i know, i know, a medicine background is a great thing. and i certainly don't need to work there when i'm done if i hate it. but who knows, maybe i'll realize that i was made to be an ER nurse.

looking at the practicum list, i see some people signed up for crazy things like "wound care team" and "children's OR". part of me is a little jealous that they know what they want (and that they got it). but a stronger part of me knows that they're really limiting themselves by doing that - not that that's a bad thing if that's what they really want to do. but then you need to work in that area later. i know i can still go anywhere with a bit of extra medicine training. ha.... i say "extra" as if i have any. the thing is, i've never even done adult medicine. during our medicine rotation, i was at the children's hospital that's a whole different story. this makes me a little nervous.

anyways, a bunch of you were asking where this was at, and so here it is. not great. not bad. not very exciting either. but this is where i sit for now.

waiting...

i'm having a lot of trouble enjoying "right now". you know how things can get when you're looking forward to the future, waiting for exciting - and also scary - things to happen. Well, i'm at that point again. or still. i'm not sure.

the house - we're still waiting for the hole to be dug. what's up with that? there's puddles and grass outside. come one, let's get digging!! so.... that's in waiting.

school - i have 2 group projects/presentations left, and after this thursday they will be DONE FOREVER!! for one of them, we made a video, which i was going to edit. unfortunately, we've had a crazy time with the files and stuff. R tried so many things and he's finally got it to a point where the computer will recognize the files, but now the sound is totally off. ack! but it will work out somehow....
for the other group project, we've had a lot of issues with our instructors (all 3 of them) giving us different info and unfair marking schemes, etc. i will not get into that right now, because i don't want to get all worked up about it again, so late in the evening. :) i will say that i think this is the worst class i've ever had in university (maybe even worse than stats!) and we're all very much looking forward to the course evaluation that we get to do on the last day of classes. hahaha.... so anyways, i hate school right now. just 3 weeks to go. just gotta wait it out.

senior practicum - ah yes. that's still coming after these classes are done. and i thought it was all worked out, but i was surprised and really really disappointed to hear that i did not get my first choice on the surgery/obstetrics ward that i have been excited about for awhile now. my course leader was surprised too, since earlier this year they had told her that they would love to have 2 students. i had come to a point where that's all i wanted to do. so, monday was a tough day for me - after my initial reaction of throwing myself on the floor, crying, and repeating "what now? what now?"... to spending a lot of time thinking.... what kind of nurse do i want to be? i thought i knew, but suddenly i felt like i was now told that i couldn't do that. do i even want to be a nurse? maybe not..... wait... yeah, i think i still do. but what kind.... i don't know anymore. don't worry, i'm much better now. i've come to my senses and realized that just because i can't do my practicum there, doesn't mean that i'll never work there, doesn't mean that i'll never help deliver babies or help a new mom care for her new little peanut. in the past i've had strong words when people complain that it's going to be too hard to find nursing jobs in the specialty area where they want to work. i always said that you just can't be so picky as a new grad, just start somewhere and work your way towards what you really want to do. well, here i am. i'm eating my own words. and now instead of being excited and nervous and trying to get ready for my practicum, i'm just waiting to find out where it'll be.

just waiting.

life lesson

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. we recently learned that my opa has pancreatic cancer. yeah.... not so good. when i found out i wasn't really surprised, since he had been sick for quite awhile and they couldn't figure out why. i was a bit sad, but i was mostly angry. this is my opa! this isn't some case study that we're learning about in class. this isn't a some cold, clinical description in a textbook. this isn't even one of my patients in the hospital. this is my opa.

i was mad. "why now?" i thought. at the time, i was extremely excited about our new house, extremely overwhelmed with school projects, and extremely hopeful for my upcoming graduation. so now i need to be extremely angry and disappointed and sad?? why now?

then i realized that... why not now? honestly, there is NEVER a good time to find out that someone you love is dying of cancer. so, why not now? when would be an appropriate time?

there is a semi-appropriate time to learn certain life lessons, and that is at the beginning of a new career. throughout my time as a student nurse, i have known that my patients weren't just patients - that they were people with a history and a family and friends. i was told that repeatedly and saw it when i talked with family members. but there's knowing something, and then there's KNOWING something. did i really KNOW it, really understand it? now, with my opa, i am really learning that lesson. to his careproviders, he may be just another cancer patient. but he's my grandpa. every single one of my patients is somebody's grandpa, somebody's mother, somebody's son, daughter, husband, wife. and i knew that, but now i understand it. now is a very good time for me to learn this lesson and i plan to take this with me throughout my nursing career.

beauties

genifer is visiting this weekend and she brought her new macbook which has a lovely little webcam on it. enjoy....