my ability for cognitive functioning is tested

*warning: excessively long post*

i had an interesting day. in fact, i've had a very interesting semester. the "good interesting" or the "bad interesting"? you are asking. well, a bit of both.

first, let me describe my semester. i am taking 3 theory courses, the first one being about community health nursing and is one of the driest courses i have ever had to take. it's terrible. i am also in a palliative care class and a mental health class. in all of my classes, we have a LOT of guest lecturers and we watch a lot of movies, and a lot of people die in these movies too. for palliative, we have had to write a reflection paper on our personal loss & grief. in clinical, we had patients die. in mental health, we have workshops like the one i was at today. this semester has played havoc on my emotions and on my mind. it's been hard - not in the way that 3rd year was hard because there were so many facts to know. but hard emotionally and mentally. let me explain further.

i spent 4 weeks in a hospice for my palliative clinical and i absolutely loved it. the staff were phenomenal, the facility was amazing, and the residents.... it was a really great place for them to be. the focus is directed on comfort care. it's all about them! you want a bath in the tub because it will ease some of the arthritis pain? then let's get ya into the bath! you don't want to get out of bed and bathed and dressed, just because it's 9 am? well, then i won't get you out of bed and bathed and dressed just because it's 9 am. one day, my resident asked me what we were going to do today. i said, "i don't know. what do you want to do today?"

it was great.

however, now i am in my mental health rotation in clinical. i totally hate it. i hate it for various reasons, but thankfully, the patients are not one of the reasons. first off, the ward is dark and depressing and feels very negative, very oppressing (if i was staying in one of those rooms, sharing the room with 2 other people, with only 1 window in the room and unfortunately it's not in my little curtained-off section, and even if i did not have a mental illness, i do believe that i would lose some of my ability for cognitive functioning - i would go crazy, for lack of a better term). it feels like all the nurses do is hand out drugs and do assessments. i don't know how to use therapeutic touch in this setting, nor do i know how to use humor. the nurses aren't very happy to be there. nobody is happy to be there.

okay, you're thinking, yeah, that's because you're in a psychiatric hospital. well, i must say that i saw more joy and more smiles on that palliative ward than i have seen in most other wards i have been on.

but thankfully i only have one week left. and as far as touch - i'm starting to think that maybe i don't mind doing morning care after all (maybe even bum-wiping), because i feel like i'm actually doing something for someone who needs me.

okay, so now i will describe my day today. it was interesting in a good way. we went to the manitoba schizophrenia society and had a "hearing voices that are distressing" workshop, to give us an idea of what it is like to be a voice-hearer. the last part of the workshop was interactive. we each were given a walkman and headphones and then we were given a number of tasks to do, to measure our cognitive abilities (concentration, memory, ability to follow commands, etc.). we were herded around like animals told to go do this and that, and they were very rude and condescending to us (part of the simulation). first, i was told to wait outside an interview room. while i sat there, the voices on the tape began. there were a number of different voices that came and went throughout the whole workshop - some whispering and muttering in a gollum-like way, and some talking. one voice was pretty harsh, swearing at me and telling me that i stink. some of the questions in the interview were not unlike the questions that i ask my patients on the mental health ward: "who is the prime minister? can you count backwards from 100, by 7s? i'm going to tell you 5 numbers and i want you to repeat them back to me backwards." etc. then i was told to go to a different room (and got lost on the way back) and given other tasks like make a specific shape with 12 toothpicks, and then remove 4 of them, to make 3 squares. or write out the words to O Canada. remember, i'm hearing voices this whole time. then a bunch of us were put into another room, told that we were going to do a quiz to test our mental abilities because they were in question. we were given 5 minutes to read an article and answer a bunch of questions. well, at 4 minutes, i had still only read 1/3 of the article. i was so distracted by the voices. i'm not used to voices in my head calling me a shit head and telling me that i stink! stink! stink! i started chuckling at that, but then a voice said, "what are you smirking at?" that was weird. i scored a 0 on the quiz.

anyways, there were other things that they made us do, but i think i'll leave it at that. needless to say, it was quite an eye-opener. i cannot imagine trying to go through everyday life with that going on in my head. it was quite the interesting day.