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pretty much for the month of january, i've had a song in my head from david crowder's newest album. it's called "shadows":life is full of light and shadows
oh, the joy and oh, the sorrow, oh, the sorrow
and yet will he bring day from night
and yet will he bring dark to light
when shadows fall on us
we will not fear
we will remember
when darkness falls on us
we will not fear
we will remember
when all seems lost
when we're thrown and we're tossed
we'll remember the cost
we're resting in the shadow of the cross
as this song would play itself in my mind, i often wondered...why was this song ever-present in my mind? just because of the catchy tune or because of the raw, honest lyrics? OR... is this for me? what shadows are awaiting me in the future? i know that there are a lot of trying times (amid the joys) that come with this next stage in our lives. trials, yes. but sorrow? oh, is this song for me? i wondered. i took it to heart and made it my goal not to worry about the future - no the message of the song is the exact opposite of that - but to remind myself that when darkness falls, when troubles arise, that we're resting in the shadow of the cross.
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last week we found out that although our little baby is healthy, he's breech. his head is up near my ribs. at 37 weeks, its unlikely (but not impossible) that he'll turn. for the first few days, i struggled with coming to terms with the fact that i'm most likely going to have a c-section. this is really disappointing for me.
i had been planning for a very natural childbirth (but still within the hospital setting as that is where i'm comfortable). i didn't want any drugs unless, you know, i was having a 30 hour labour. a plan to work with the pain, not fight against it. hydrotherapy. massage. breathing. imagery. these are things that i can control. i am much more aware of my own body than most people are. if you are the give-me-an-epidural-i-don't-want-to-feel-a-thing woman, i don't expect you to understand how i feel about this.
i've come a long way in my mind these last few days, hashing it all out. i am grateful for these days and weeks of knowing ahead of time, to process this. i am grateful for my loving and supportive husband. i am grateful that our baby is doing just fine. the silly monkey is just lying the wrong way. this is no longer a "shadow" in my mind, just something that we need to deal with, learn about and then make a few decisions.
8 comments:
Wow. Such honesty, julia. That is very disapointing, but what you wrote is right on. This doesn't surprise God, like it surprised you to find out. He knew. He planned. He prepared you in ways you didn't know. And He'll get you through! He's great with carrying us through those shadows! I know without a shadow (didn't mean to use that word) of a doubt that once your sweet beautiful PERFECT little baby is in your arms (hurry up already!!) your disappointment will disappear. I can't wait for you to be a mommy with your baby out!! You will be so wonderful! Take a look at how diff. our babies look in our tickers! I have some way to go to catch up to you. you are my hero!
Hoping the baby turns. I didn't realize you knew it was a boy!
I know the frustration of wanting to have a baby naturally and then ending up with a c-section. Maybe make some meals for the freezer ahead of time just in case. Turn baby!
are you having a boy or is that just a generalizing gender????? please do tell me!
No! We don't know if he/she is a boy or girl. We both just tend to say "he" a lot. And it does not feel right saying "it". There's a baby in there, not an "it".
that is what I thought. I refer to mine as a "he" too.... I'm pretty sure it is a he. We'll see. you'll still find out before me (You'd BETTER!!!) but I think we'll find out in 4-5 weeks.
Julia, God knows that you need time to work through issues and changes in plans. I think it's wonderful that God allowed your doctor to realize your baby hadn't turned yet. God is giving you time to come to grips with the issue that although you really really want a natural birth, perhaps this time you won't get that wish. Fortunately you still get the baby! Sometimes we want certain things so badly, we don't see the whole picture. It's hard to see past our dreams sometimes. But God sees everything! He promises to be with you through whatever way this baby decides to come. That's a great promise. And your baby may still turn!
love mom
Bo still says he thinks it a girl, but either way I am thankful for a healthy niece or nephew, no matter how they get here.
I think I'm going to phone you today after Bo leaves. I haven't talked to you about baby stuff in ages, or picked your brain about nursing school! I miss you, and I wish I could be around more in this exciting yet hard time. I am so excited to meet your little one, though. YAY! Soon!
Julia
been thinking and praying for you heaps these days. We had an emergency c-section with Ellie a month ago. Its hard when it is different than what was hoped for. God gave me much comfort knowing that "in our heart we make plans, but He determines the steps" We wrote the birthplan, He wrote Ellie's birth story. It was good to reflect on her Birth Day and how He was involved and worked out all the details. He stood in the center of our needs, and looking back it is really beautiful to remember. It was exciting going into the day thinking, this is our little one's Birth Day. At the end of the day, we were just thankful to hold Ellie in our arms. It is such a wonderful, overwhelming feeling.
keeping you in our prayers, and especially the little one
Karin
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